Clearing the Air | Today's Christian Woman

I read this article written by Jenny Schermerhorn in Today's Christian Woman and it blessed me so i had to share it with all. She writes about resentment, its causes and how to resolve it.

Resentment toward my husband was silently strangling me. I was shocked to feel so angry and bitter. My husband and I had a solid marriage, and these overwhelmingly negative emotions seemed to have come out of nowhere. Nasty, sarcastic thoughts flew into my head uninvited, centering on my husband and things he did or didn't do. Get a grip! I told myself. I hoped these strong and destructive emotions would disappear to wherever they had come from. In the swirl of life—toddlers, job, and laundry—I blamed them on hormones and ignored them. But as weeks went by, my feelings of bitterness and anger didn't decrease. Instead, I seemed to be agreeing with my angry thoughts more and more. Yeah! Why didn't he do that, am I responsible for everything? or Sure, go out to a movie tonight, I'm sure you need a break. Instead of being shocked at my thoughts, I began to nurture them, deliberating on perceived wrongs. Angry words spilled out at my husband and children—an overflow from my hurt and bitter heart. I was frightened and unhappy with the state of my home, both my marriage and my negative parenting style. I tried to "talk it out" several times with my husband, but he felt attacked and I felt misunderstood. Suddenly I was terrified—we were struggling and stuck. I felt overwhelmed by negative emotions with no way to control or banish them. When I encounter a problem, whether laundry stains or emotional meltdowns, my go-to solution is research—in the form of bookstores and girlfriends. So I trusted my struggles to a few of my closest friends and found this was an issue they had all encountered and wrestled with as well. And while they had each tried to approach this problem with prayer and unselfishness, endeavoring not to let bitterness in their marriages take deep root, none of them felt their issue had ever really been resolved. Christian psychologist and author Dr. John Townsend, author of Boundaries, agreed to an interview with me, to help me understand what resentment is, where it finds its root, and how to resolve it. Here's my exclusive interview with Dr. Townsend, when I asked him everything my girlfriends and I wanted to know! What is resentment? Resentment is a persistent feeling of bitterness from feeling wronged by another. It often significantly decreases a person's happiness and contentment in important relationships. How can I recognize resentment in my relationships? Look for the following three things: 1. bitter feelings that get in the way of your connections with someone you normally care about and enjoy 2. a sense of powerlessness that there is anything you can do to change things. 3. a specific issue which is driving resentment. Resentment does not exist in a vacuum, and it is not the real problem. It is a symptom of a deeper perception of wrongdoing by another, in a behavior or in a pattern. For example, in your experience, did the other person criticize you harshly? judge you? control you? disconnect from you? lie to you? break a promise or a vow to you? How can I bring up resentment (to my spouse, friend, parent) without making a bad situation even worse? God designed relationships to be vehicles of transferring truth and love to each other, "speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). We should be able to be open and honest in our closest relationships, and feel safe about it. So it's better to resolve things than to have an internal hurt blocking the relationship. Good relationships welcome truth that comes out in a vulnerable way. It is also important to realize that you don't want to focus on the resentment itself, but on the hurtful behavior of the other person. If you two reconcile about the behavior, the resentment should resolve. It has done its job in helping you be aware of the problem. What are some practical steps I can take to resolve resentment? There are several actions that will help. 1. Make sure your resentment is based on reality. Sometimes we feel bitter because we were having a bad day and the other person was just innocently in the same room. Talk to someone objective and wise and make sure there was an actual offense by the other person. 2. Make sure it's something significant. Could you be overreacting to a one-time misdemeanor, or it is something that matters, or a pattern? "Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs" (Proverbs 19:11). Check that out with a trusted friend as well. Sometimes resentment is rooted in something from our past that has not been healed. If that is the case, healing and forgiving in the earlier situation should resolve the resentment in the present situation. 3. Have the conversation. If you have walked through steps 1 and 2, and it is an actual and significant offense, go to the person in a vulnerable manner and tell them the following: "I have felt alienated from our relationship and I want to us to be close again. I have had some feelings of resentment because of X. Our relationship is important to me, and I am sorry I have felt this toward you. At the same time, I need to know that you are aware of how X affected me when you did it. I need to know that you are sorry for it, and that things will change. In that way, we both can be close again." With a normal loving and open person, this should get you on the path and the resentment should resolve, because you are reconciling. However, if the person is defensive or blaming, you will need to adjust your expectations of that person and move into some grief and adaptation to the situation. And if the other person continues the hurtful behavior, set healthy boundaries so that you are not affected as much. That will help the powerless feelings, because you are taking action, and you will not experience the resentment so much. (These principles can be found in a more complete form in my book Beyond Boundaries.) Dr. Townsend's insights into resentment helped me better understand my emotions and set up an action plan. I set aside some time when I was at my best, (not tired, hungry, or PMS-ing) and prayed for clarity. What was the real reason I was feeling so resentful toward my husband? I wrote out one possible reason and realized it was a problem but not the cause. Going down several layers, I finally rooted out the real foundational issue. It was surprising to see it written out—I had been totally unaware of the real source of my hurt and anger. I set up a time to speak to my husband and used the format that Dr. Townsend laid out. It really helped to start with "I have felt" and "I want us to be close again." It felt much less like an "attack" and more like a conversation focused on mutual love and reconciliation. Our conversation wasn't an instant fix, but it was the beginning of a healing process. Having identified the core issue, we were able to reconcile and move forward. We have made some minor changes in our relationship, but the most helpful part of the process for me was feeling that I had been heard and my husband was willing to work with me. With the issue out in the open, we can have short check-in conversations about the topic, and I don't let hurts fester around this issue. I bring things up quickly, because I know I am sensitive in this area. After months of discord it's incredibly freeing to have this resentment cut down at the root. Truly "the truth has set me free." The angry and bitter feelings that were overwhelming me are gone, and with them my uncontrollable outbursts and dreary outlook. his process was a difficult one for me, and boy am I glad to be on this side of it. I am thankful to have this new knowledge and experience to add to my relational toolbox. God calls us to move toward people with love and grace, and inevitably things get messy. I'm sure this won't be the last time the weed of resentment shows its ugly head and will need to be dealt with, and now I feel much more prepared to handle it biblically instead of ignoring it and letting it grow into a full bloom of anger, bitterness, and despair.

Jenny Schermerhorn is seeking to live an abundant life in motherhood, ministry and marriage. She's a freelance writer and communications director at her church

Clearing the Air | Today's Christian Woman

Akwa Ibom State at 25 years

25th Anniversary/ Birthday Logo

The Governor of Akwa Ibom State

The Children entertaining, dancing, drumming and doing the 'Etighe steps'.

Akwa Ibom State was created out of Cross River State on September 23, 1987 by the then Military Head of State, Ibrahim Gbadamosi Babangida (pictured above). These former colonial provinces make up the state, Uyo, Ikot Ekpene, Eket and Abak. Uyo became the capital. The first Administrator was Tunde Ogbeha, a military man.

Uyo was a local Government set up before it became the capital of the new State. The Military Government then started transforming the Capital and subsequent Government have been developing it into a befitting State Capital. Now there are wider four lanes roads, oberhead bridges and well maintained highways linking other parts of the State to Uyo. Akwa Ibom was created with Katsina State. I remember then that i was in Kaduna State in Orientation camp for my Youth Service. When we heard that Katsina State too was created, we all became apprehensive and started panicking because we didn't want to be transferred to a new Camp. The fear was heightened when the Camp Commandant announced that the new State will need more Youth Corpers to help her start. Tell me who needed to go to a barren place? Most of us were not adventurous and were scared of the religious extremists who populated the core muslims States in the far North. Also we were mostly from the Southern part of the Country and preferred the more enlightened Kaduna to other parts of the North.

OBONG VICTOR ATTAH, the former Governor of the State who laid the foundation of the modern State. He is an architect by profession and he design the modern State. The present Governor Obong Godswill Akpabio is really following those designs. Politically, the Governors may not agree with each other but they both love the State and want it to grow. They may say anything now but posterity will judge. To all the Governors who have made the State what it is today, Nigerians say Thank you.

The Silver Jubilee started with a children Concert hosted by the Wife of the State Governor, Mrs. Oluchi Ekaette Godswill Akpabio.

Happy Celebration AKWA IBOMITE!!!! As you celebrate with pomp and pageantry, may you be blessed with more infrastructural developments and good leaders. May your resources not be squandered in Jesus name. Amen.

Arik Air Nigeria

ON Wednesday the 22nd of August i had a meeting in ABuja with the Ministry of Mines and Steel development and the Lawyers representing us in the case between us and one of our bankers.

Aviation Minister

Going to join the plane around 5pm in Lagos to Abuja. Monday 20th and Tuesday 21st August 2012 were declared holidays and the meeting had to be postponed to wednesday 22nd. I would have booked online but i decided to get to the airport to purchase my ticket and board immediately. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. I saw shocking going-on at ARIK Airline stand at the domestic Airport.

Waiting for hours for the aircraft at the airport. I got to the Airport by 12.30pm and i had to go queue to buy my ticket. There were so many travelers and touts milling around the whole place. Was on the queue when touts and Arik Airline staff will walk to the counter and will be attended to immediately. A particular man was just stationed at the counter and he was just collecting money and the intending travelers details on a piece of paper. One of their staff told me that i cannot make the 1pm flight but i can get ticket for the 3pm flight. There i stood with complaining from all of us but the queue was not moving. All our complaints fell on deaf ears. The staff were not perturbed and they had this attitude of 'if you are not satisfied with our inefficiency, go patronise another Airline'. Eventually, it got to my turn and the cashier informed me that my departure will be by 7pm. WHAT? YOU MEAN I WILL WAIT AT THE DUSTY, CROWDY PLACE FOR 7HOURS? No way but I had no choice. The meeting was 8am thursday and i cant travel by road again because it was already late. By that time, i miss DANA Air. i travel mostly with Dana Air. Maybe because i worked with the Indians and that was their preferred Airline. I never had much complains except the hostesses were always demanding tips.

When the young man at the Counter said the available flight would be 7pm, I left temporarily. I was really confused because there was Fuel scarcity in Abuja and my friend who would have come to pick me at the Airport was in Lagos for a course at their training school. Afterwards, i had to go back and decided to trust God to see me through. God did. My friend called that a church member had fuel in his cab and he would wait at the Airport for my arrival. It was such a relief. God was not through because when i entered that disorganised and crowded check-in point, one of their staff that saw me going up and down to get a seat, came forward to help. That day it rained heavily and i had gone to the eatery by the gate to buy a bottle of water. By the time, i got back all the seats outside were taken and i was wet. The staff offered to help me board the 5pm flight. I treated him with suspicion initially until i saw him behind the Counters. God used him and i boarded the 5pm flight to Abuja. The next day, i got to the Airport 15 minutes after my flight time and i had to pay additional N5000 despite the return tickets with me. I still heard the boarding announcements as i alighted from the car that took me to the Airport but the staff refused me going to board the plane. I was subjected to the stress of queuing again to re-validate and pay. I was so frustrated and annoyed at the same time at their poor service. I Hope Arik’s Chairman, Johnson Arumemi-Ikhide and his son will will do something to improve the services of their Airline. Now that the Airline indebtedness to the federal authorities is in billions of Dollars, i doubt if there will be any improvement in their operations and services.

Marriage and Divorce

Papa and Mummy GO of Redeemed Christian Church of God. In 1967 Papa Enoch Adeboye got married to his beloved wife Mummy Foluke Adenike Adeboye (nee Adeyokunnu). The couple has been married now for 45 years and still counting. You may be thinking that from day one the marriage has been rosy and blissful. No it was not so. At the beginning, Papa had many friends because he loved taking photographs and ladies love posing. Anyway, he got married before becoming born again. It was in 1973 that Papa Enoch Adeboye received the Lord Jesus as his personal Lord and Saviour in Redeemed Christian Church of God and became baptized by immersion in water. There is a particular incident when they were traveling from Ilesha to Lagos and he had to leave the car and the wife with baby because of anger. Hear him

Something made her(Mummy GO, his wife) angry and I knew she was right. She really had an opportunity to hit me. She was talking and I was driving. I was angry but I could not talk and there was nowhere to run. When I could not control it anymore, in order not to break our rule (of not being angry at the same time), I parked the car. I got down and began to walk back towards Ilesha. “I left her with the baby in the car. After walking for about a mile, I got to a village where they were selling fruits and bought some. I ate some and I took the remaining to her in the car. By now she was frightened because she did not know what had happened. When she saw me coming, she became relieved and as I got into the car, I gave her the peace offering.”

With the young women of nowadays or celebrities, that act would be considered abandonment and they would sue for divorce. Kim filed for divorce because the husband went to another city and she only heard on twitter. She did not bother to find out why he did that and if he was happy that she does not want to perform her wifely role. Her sister Khloe Lamar Odom does not dictate to the husband and where the husband goes there she goes too. What Kim failed to realise is that when there are many interferences from family and friends, a relationship is bound to collapse.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries marriage broke down after only 72 days.

EVELYN LOZADA and CHAD JOHNSON - I was reading through some articles on relationships when i saw that another Hollywood marriage of few weeks had collapsed. Chad Johnson's wife, Evelyn Lozada, has filed for divorce 6 weeks after marriage. She filed legal documents in Florida, claiming her marriage was

"irretrievably broken."

She claimed domestic violence incident as the reason she filed for divorce. I wonder why she was snooping into drawers and trouser pockets for hotels bills and evidence of infidelity. If she knew the guy was not to be trusted and was not going to be faithful, why bother to get married? Evelyn claimed she found a receipt for a box of condoms in the husband's car and she went accusing and she was headbutted. I thought Kim Kardashians was the shortest marriage but theirs was shorter. Kim was almost 3 months while theirs was just a little after 1 month. Evelyn and Chad got married on July 4th in St. Maarten and the whole ceremony was recorded for the reality show, the Basketball wives. The couple's 41-day marriage came to an end on August 14

Britney Spears and Jason Alexander - This couple said they wanted to do something crazy and they got married and by the next day separated.

David and Victoria Beckham were married on July 4, 1999 at a Castle in Ireland outside Dublin, Ireland. Victoria was 25 and David was 24 when they married. They have been married now for 13 years. Daily all manners of women have been claiming one form of intimacy or the other with David Beckham but the wife has stuck with him. Do not know how long it would last but ignoring all distraction is the way to go if you want your marriage to last.

Marriage like i know should be between two people who are ready to forgive and help the other grow whether spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, materially etc. A relationship that drains and is suspicious of the others movements and intention is not good. Marriage is a state of being united to a person of the opposite sex in a consensual and contractual relationship recognised by law. Marriage is sacred and not some crazy thing like Britney spears and Jason Alexander called it. Marriage is not for shows. Its a serious matter. Think about it before venturing into it. If you are not prepared then don't do it. Just like the wedding Ring, the love between husband and wife should be continuous and endless. AS for the wedding rings, some churches do not support the wearing but I believe its symbolic and should be encouraged.

I pray that all the young men and women getting hastily into marriage and getting out will reconsider their attitudes. Marriage is honourable and we should emulate Papa Adeboye and others who are setting good examples for all to follow. We should try to understand our spouses and trust them absolutely. Most times they will let us down and betray us but we can forgive and stay on. Marriage is a journey and most roads are not smooth. So just fasten your seat belt By the way, put GOD first as you embark on this journey.

GOODLUCK to all married men and women.