THE ABUSED WOMAN AND THE SOCIETY

A friend of mine some years ago called me that she is in the hospital alone. She is married with 3 kids so I was surprised that she was there alone. I asked where the husband was and her reply shocked me. I quickly left the office and rushed to her side.

 The state that my friend was in broke my heart. She had bruises all over her body. Her head was wrapped up with one eye and lips swollen. Between tears and anguish, she told me her husband did that to her. I knew the man was irresponsible, reckless and a womanizer but becoming a wife beater was something else.

WHAT WAS THE REASON  for the wife to be beaten blue black? She said she saw a pack of condom in her car that the husband used the night before this incident. She just advised him to be careful since the son had previously seen one and brought it to her as balloon. The husband even saw the condom with the boy but only burst into laughter.

 For daring to advise him that he should be discreet with his infidelity and not bring it home, he slapped her. And for her trying to resist the slap, he pounced on her. It was the neighbours who came to her rescue.  It was one of them that took her to the hospital that morning and called her sister.  

I couldn’t believe it. I know the guy is violent despite the fact that he goes to a bible believing Church. My friend was already Born Again when she met him but the fear of being too old to get married, she settled for the charmer.

When the parent heard, they came to Lagos to take her home.  She left with her parents and I had to get sick leave and submit to her office. She was with her parents for 2 weeks and we had  to intercede in prayers and counseling.   The guy did not bother to call. He only called when the little son was ill and he didn’t know what to do. Her parents insisted that the husband had to come home. He went to beg her and her parent and promised he would not beat her again.

 That was not the fist time she had been beaten by her husband but it was certainly the last.

There are several  reasons that made her to endure those beating:

1)      One of the reasons she endured was  her Children. The children then were aged between 4 to 7 years. How could she leave her 3 young children to suffer?

2)      The other reason is what the society will say when she separates from her husband. In our African culture, a divorced woman is stigmatized. She is looked down on and blamed for the breakdown of the marriage.  They will say she wants to start sleeping around that is why she left.

3)      The next reason is that she may be the troublemaker who is always provoking the husband. Women are supposed to be quiet, docile, subservient and obedient.

4)      Also as a believer, she knows God in His word, The BIBLE forbids Divorce.
5) She had no job and was relying solely on her husband to provide for her and the children. If she leaves, how will she survives? 

There were  many more  reasons why my friend endured the physical and emotional abuse for years.  SO when she returned,  we advised her not to be confrontational no matter what.
We advised her to ignore the husbands provocation and not answer back even when she is being verbally attacked by the man.
Its been 3 years now and the relationship has improved greatly. Little by little the WORD of God is getting to her husband.
The Bible says in Proverbs that a soft answer brings peace and that is the weapon my friend is using. She does not answer back and does not allow any argument to get out of Hand. And to the Glory of God she got a job immediately after she came back.

But many other women are not as lucky as my friend. So many have died from physical abuse and many are maimed for Life or disfigured by their husbands.
The Society is not helping matter. The law also is not strong enough to convict these wife beaters. There have been so many declarations and convention on the elimination of  Violence Against Women but these have not stopped or eliminate wife battering. The impact of these convention has been minimal or zero when it comes to Nigerian men.
 Its sad that many women are suffering these physical, emotional and psychological abuses and they cannot speak out.

This cycle of abuse below has explained a lot.......... If a woman notices that tension is increasing and she is fearful of the husbands' reaction, its better she does everything to calm him instead of aggravating him.
Please wives, don't allow the situation to get out of hands. Be wise.

Women, victims of Domestic Violence

This is culled from a write up by OKHAREDIA OTI who lost a dear friend due to domestic violence. Unfortunately most women that are beaten by their husbands on a daily basis are so afraid to do anything to change their lot.

This young Lady died from domestic violence and there are several other women that are being threatened too by husbands and partners every second. Please speak up, seek help in order to stay alive. The Lady that wrote this article is helping so contact her for help please.

It was 8 o’clock that morning and I was already dressed in my black dress, black shoes and no make-up, with my brushed hair in a pony tail. I was heading to Yaba for a friend’s funeral. She was 35 and beautiful, a mother of two beautiful children. I really did not want to go because I was not sure of how I was going to react. I was not sure if I could pull myself together. Anyway, I got to the church and it was filled with people who knew her and who had heard of her. As I approached the church, I was already battling with the huge lump in my throat, making sure that I could at least sit through the service. I managed to get inside, and then the ushers took me up-front to sit with the family. I saw her mother and siblings who were weeping uncontrollably, so I tried to console them while battling with that same lump in my throat. I did all I could until the kids walked into the church with the nanny. Oh my goodness, now that lump has melted into liquid, the flood gates were flung open and the tears started gushing out. It was not a very pleasant sight as the choir leader could not continue the song. This is to give you an insight into the kind of person my friend was and the life she lived. She was extremely intelligent, kind, simple and most of all was in love with God and His word. Well, as I tried to calm down, he walked in —THE HUSBAND. I am sure by now you are thinking I would run to console him since I was very close to her and he knew me. Instead, I stood up and walked to the other side of the church and sat down. That was when I knew how much respect I had for the church and the dead. If I could, I would have locked him up in the coffin so he could go with her; after all, he put her there in the first place. We had all begged, prayed, complained, reported, and fought, just to get him to stop beating her. I was tired of seeing the black eye, the swollen face, the bruised arms and the constant headaches. It was so bad that I had to tell him that one day he would do something really bad to his wife and end up behind bars. Little did I know that the day in question was fast approaching. He had beaten her so much for sending her own money to her mother without telling him, and when she tried to protect herself by pushing him off her, he got infuriated and hit her head on the wall. This time no black eye, no bruise to worry about, she just did not wake up. When her sister called me in the middle of the night, I was not sure whether to cry or get angry or scream. My whole body was shaking and all I could say was “no… no… no… please God, no, no, no… please”. I started to feel guilty, “maybe I should have moved her out of there” but then again who am I to move her out of her husband’s house when she herself refused to move. It really hurt, so much that even as I am writing this I am still crying. The case was taken to court and was dismissed, because according to the courts the evidence was not enough, and so he was discharged and acquitted. In a country where an accurate autopsy cannot be carried out, let alone thoroughly investigate a crime, what do you expect? She is dead and gone but the killer is walking free, and as usual, he has custody of the children whom he has passed on to his new wife. My heart has been bleeding ever since because I know that this is happening to so many women. Some are still alive today to tell their stories, some are afraid to cry out for help; some cover up when they are asked questions about their black eye; some believe that there is no justice for the abused woman because other cases they have heard of, have always favoured the man, and lastly, some are no longer alive to speak up. As sad as this is, it is still happening even as I write. Now it has progressed to acid baths, body mutilation, and other unthinkable things. In anger, I stormed to the church we all attended and demanded to see the head pastor. When he came out, I screamed and yelled and people came into the church to hold me down. Please, do not think I disrespect men of God. Oh, far from it, in fact I respect them so much because without some of them who have mentored me, I would not be the person I am today. Truth of the matter is, my late friend’s sister told me that a few days before she died, she had gone to meet the pastor in fear because she had another fight with her husband who told her that he was ready to kill her and nothing would happen to him. He kept saying in pidgin English: “na naija we dey o and when you die your dead body no go come prove to the court say na me kill you”. My late friend then called her sister to tell her what had happened and that she was going to see the pastor. I asked her sister: “Why pastor? Why not police?” The sister laughed and said: “Do you know how many times she tried that? The policeman she met on duty laughed and said, ‘madam na domestic matter be dis abeg, husband and wife must fight, go beg your husband’ ”. When her husband found out, he laughed and asked if she thought she was in America, then he beat her some more for even attempting. So, she went to the pastor and told him everything again because that was not the first time she went to him to complain and ask for help. As usual the pastor said: “My daughter, there is nothing God cannot do. Please, prayer is what you need. Keep praying to God to touch his heart, he will not kill you and he will not harm you. Go back home and maintain peace, please; remember that God hates divorce so you cannot leave your home and children”. She left there feeling so dejected and scared, and so she called her sister and told her what the pastor had said. I tried to think about what could have been going on in her head everyday of her life, thinking that there is no SAFE HAVEN. The man who swore to love and protect you is the one who is killing you; the parents who gave you to him in marriage will tell you not to leave your home because it is not a family trait and it will bring shame upon the family. You are too ashamed to even let people know you are going through domestic violence for fear of being stigmatized; you are not protected by law enforcement agents nor the law because some of them do the same thing to their wives; then the only place which is the house of God also tells you to go back to the place where you are being destroyed. My heart broke and that was when I wept the most, because no one knows what she could have gone through alone. So, I looked at this pastor and said ‘I hope you are happy now, I hope you are satisfied that she listened to you and got killed in the process’. I am not saying I support separation or women running out of their homes, but I insist that there must be temporary measures to take the woman to a safe place until things can be resolved. She has to, at least, be alive first before any reconciliation or anything can even take place. My question today is: what does the church do in cases like this? Is it saying that because of doctrines women should remain there and die? Is it saying that apart from prayer there is no other way to help? I poured out my heart to the pastor and asked him a question directly without any apologies, “If your daughter came to you, bruised everyday, threatened and battered, would you tell her to go back there and pray? What if she does and gets killed? What would your reaction be? Will you be able to live with yourself?” Then I calmed down and said God bless you pastor and thank you, I hope this means she will go to heaven. He could not utter a word, so I walked out. Call this ranting, lamenting, disrespectful, but one thing is for sure. We need answers, we need to shout it out loud, we need to educate women and let them know they can cry out for help. I can’t stress this enough, if you are going through any form of violence, especially domestic violence, you can get help. Please don’t die for nothing. Make that call to Project Alert now 01-4737270, 08052004698 or send an email to projectalert@projectalertnig.o​rg, log on to their website www.projectalertnig.org. Enough is enough; the time to act is now. Say No To Domestic Violence.

This piece is dedicated to all the women who have lost their lives through domestic violence. May their souls rest in peace